If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
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The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Multitask? I can barely unitask
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:
“Riot”
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.