If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
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(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Mornin
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.