If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
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my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.