If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
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wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
i choose….tongue
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
“We will wed,” I threatened
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
nobody:
my fish before I fry it: