Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.

Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin

I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.

*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant

Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!

Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you

Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.

Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.

Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?

Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too

*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

Me: I’m too scared to fly

Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash

Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?

me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight

Take it from me

Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese

“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road

[walking on beach]

[find bottle with message in it]

Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?

[another bottle with message washes against my feet]

My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.

If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?

i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*

My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”