If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
You Might Also Like
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
My dress code is business-casualty.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅Just ticking off my bucket list.
When driving behind a slow-poke do you ever steer your car over to the side a bit so the car behind you can see this shit’s not your fault?
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Never ghost your hitman.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
