If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
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Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Ron is short for Aaronald
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me