If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
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I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
bags with threatening auras
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.