If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
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i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive