Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”

-corduroys

People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.

Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.

Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!

My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

Death certificates are our last participation award.

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting

My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them

Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one

Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.

In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.

Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.

[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen

I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night

Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.

FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.

[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee

21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one

Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?