Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.

[eating chicken]

farmer: YOU AGAIN

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering

me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone

firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve

Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?

TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?

ME: *hand up*

TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.

ME: *hand down*

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird

Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months

Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing

Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways

Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.

Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

In public

4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!

Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—

DOLPHIN: What’s that one?

GOD: That’s an e.

DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.

GOD: But you—

DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

Fly wife: Notice anything?

Fly husband: …

Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado

Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old

-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid

my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?

my husband and i: ………👀

6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?

*synchronized sigh of relief*

Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down

My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!