Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:

“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”

“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”

“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”

When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go

ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful

HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was

ME: ok now i’m bummed again

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach

Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off

computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols

The sun got the nerve to be out.

Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING

as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree

We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh

I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.

Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.

How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun

dec 26 to jan 1 is like the days after spotify wrapped… you can listen to/do whatever you want and it doesn’t count against next year’s naughty list

I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.