Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

* gets mugged *

“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”

Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.

Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.

They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.

Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.

The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch

Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.

Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.

I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.

How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*

How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree

“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.

My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.

Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.

i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.

-kids

Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping

65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.

My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.

Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything you have in the house

– cook two to fourteen hours.

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma

Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.