If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
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Expectations vs. Reality
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
The smoothest fall of all time
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.