If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
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The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.