If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
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Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh