Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”

Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder

If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.

Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.

Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.

Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.

tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?

me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha

lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.

He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”

I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.

Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one, the dead body one

I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.

Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.

I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.

I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours

So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.

Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.

Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.

First hand-job experience = bad.

Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):

– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!

Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.

MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

#merica

*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.

I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys