If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
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Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son