If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
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Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
#damn
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
why am I working on Labor Day
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?