If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
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We’re all getting idioter.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
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you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
those birds must be on payroll
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It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
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Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.