Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.

If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.

[on a date with a european]

Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?

not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it

I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby

Reasons I’m not married:

– Am focusing on my karate career

– Wedding could clash with karate class

– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training

– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class

– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate

Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.

If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?

Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze

-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already

My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no

[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

At what age should you put the tonsils back in

Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes

Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?

I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.

Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359

Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat

Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!

I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.

When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…

One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone

Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?

Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so

Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd