If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
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My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
serving silly goose instead of turkey
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
*puts my mental health in rice
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.