if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
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My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.
Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.
“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.
Blindsided me.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-