Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?

Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?

closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.

mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them

When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.

“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers

“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

Me: *about to go into a meeting*

My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird

I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat

Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.

“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!

did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything

I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”

Cashier: “Have a great day!”

Me: “No thank you.”

DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A

DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it

[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door

When someone trying to leave me

Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-

-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.

Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.