If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
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Frog purse.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
OH. COME. ON.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
I’ve disappointed better people.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Are you a robot? Select all images with weak points in humanity’s defenses.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*