@Angibangie

If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

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@samlymatters

MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!

MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.

@hansabumsadaisy

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

@spicy_peen

How do people in the movies dig 6-foot deep graves with a shovel? I got tired digging a hole to plant a bush

@bobvulfov

[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say

@TheMichaelRock

Justin Bieber made a racist joke when he was 15.

Quick, someone give him $2 billion for his basketball team to teach him a lesson.

@doktorj

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

@pilau

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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@SteveSuckington

Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.

@qwertying

When used as directed, Axe Body Spray makes a good substitute for tear gas.