If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
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My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.