@Angibangie: If I was a piece of candy, I'd be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
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@QwertyJones3: Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing Bad news: It's not my mind that I want blown
@Ygrene: [McDonald's drive thru] Me: One burger pls Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it Me: Ha what (In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
@Parentpains: Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got in their house.
@dafloydsta: [first date] HER: I like a man who's well-informed. ME: [trying to impress] The couple at the next table are getting a divorce.