If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
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I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
