If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
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me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
WTF
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!