Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.

[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP

*watching our 7yo’s softball game*

Me: Where’s our kid?

Him: The one dancing

Me: Ah, yes

You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.

[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together

“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”

“Eat human corpses?”

[flashback to eating quinoa]

“Y…yes.”

Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.

Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?

[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]

{phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.

I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.

*sprains wrist doing sports

“MY NACHO HAND!”

The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*

People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?

“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”

-captain of the Titanic

If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.

Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no

Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*

it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“threw em out” you shrug

you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”

“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”

The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.

When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.