Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄

(Seductively stripping out of clothes)

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.

My wife during our sexy time does not.

You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on

6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you

“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”

That’s not what I –

“Please stop. Let me do this.”

From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.

Baker: So, two loaves of bread?

Me: yes two please.

It’s so cold outside I saw a gangster pull his pants up and walk stiffly.

this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first

I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.

On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

[holding a baby]

me: uh so how long have you been a baby?

To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.

Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.

me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans

Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me

if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.

You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.

I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.

ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*

Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman