If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
