If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
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god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
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Me, flirting😏
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2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.