if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
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I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
WHY?!
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”