if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
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“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Women are like buses, if you missed the last one, another will be along shortly to run you over.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!