If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
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I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end