If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
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Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough