If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
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Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Breaking news:
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.