If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
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—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
This one never gets the credit it deserves
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.