If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
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The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
A Monday every week is excessive
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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