If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
You Might Also Like
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did