If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
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Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.