Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.

Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.

Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds

Me: I was refilling my vape

Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD

Signed: nOt The cAt

Me: pass me that cup

Kid: *gives me cup*

Me: I didn’t say simon says haha

[Later]

Me: PASS… MY… INHALER

Kid: not falling for that again

Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!

Me at 35: oh

Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean

Voila

Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?

If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

Respect

Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.

I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.

me: how much for the cow bras?

salesperson: those are gloves

*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes

I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night

me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?

Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer:

Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.

Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.

Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.

Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?

Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.

It was a tampede.

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.