Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gave a yelp review once.

In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?

4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?

ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?

Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊

I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.

I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.

Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.

people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

I’m a giver.

*gives you a hard time*

*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.

Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.

Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.

Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?

I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.