My sister told the police that I mistreat my pets. My own little sister! I guess that’s the thanks I get for giving her a goldfish necklace.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
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ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
If a tree falls in the woods and the wife’s not there to witness it, it’ll be my fault when i get home.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.