If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

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My sister told the police that I mistreat my pets. My own little sister! I guess that’s the thanks I get for giving her a goldfish necklace.


[my laboratory]
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.


If a tree falls in the woods and the wife’s not there to witness it, it’ll be my fault when i get home.


[runs out of toilet paper]

Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures


Movie theater: Please silence your phones.

Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*


My husband left me this morning. Again.

he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.


Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?

Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.


[doctor’s office]

Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!


I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.