If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
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Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Not all heroes wear capes….
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Namaste
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)