If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
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*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.