If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
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Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Shopping for a toaster yesterday I came across this review.
“Easy to use instructions.”
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Blocked: 1985
