If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
You Might Also Like
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”
No. No you do not.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.