If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
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“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
I camp so other people don’t have to.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
