If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
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We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
The Weeknd is back
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised