Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
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Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
HELP 😭
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Cha-ching is my safe word
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.