If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
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Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
No, YOUR illiterate.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
i feel so bad i refunded him
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*