Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube

Missionary, so we can keep arguing

The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

men’s fashion peaked in 1838

Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.

God: go forth and multiply

Me: I was told there would be no math.

Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?

Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.

Recycling bottles.

Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest

Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic

CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)

It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

My kids lost a Barbie shoe.

I dug in the trash and found one.

It was from a set they didn’t know was missing

Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

doctor: open up

me: it all started when my dad left

doctor: and say ahh

me: oh

doctor: no, “ahh”

Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side

Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

*does the robot*

*crowd goes wild*

*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*