Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Green tea reduces weight*

*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.

Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???

being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.

i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby

A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014

Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”

Me: My son is pathologically literal.

“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”

Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick

If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.

Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?

Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–

Adults: ITS THE PHONES

Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.

I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”

snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it

I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs

It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’