If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
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One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
*frowns in Scottish*
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done