If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
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BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Sending in my taxes
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Saturday
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing