If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
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Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby