If I was a villain, I would follow superheroes to their normal human interviews for jobs & note what they answer as their biggest weaknesses

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The end of the month is like stubbing your little toe in the dark. You’re probably broke and there’s nothing you can do about it.


People that say “God never gives you more than you can handle” never met my ex-girlfriend.


“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.


*Adobe update puts on fake moustache and glasses* Hi, my name is iOS 7, would you like to download updates?


I eat my pizza with a knife and fork because I am from a big family, and you need weapons to protect your food at all times


Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.

Me: (awkward silence)


*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*