My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
If I was a villain, I would follow superheroes to their normal human interviews for jobs & note what they answer as their biggest weaknesses
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I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
You call it premature ejaculation, I call it being 15 minutes early.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans