@SuperJuanderer

If I was a villain, I would follow superheroes to their normal human interviews for jobs & note what they answer as their biggest weaknesses

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@TheBoydP

The end of the month is like stubbing your little toe in the dark. You’re probably broke and there’s nothing you can do about it.

@BackrowSeats

People that say “God never gives you more than you can handle” never met my ex-girlfriend.

@TheTweetOfGod

“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.

@jazmasta

*Adobe update puts on fake moustache and glasses* Hi, my name is iOS 7, would you like to download updates?

@numbertze

I eat my pizza with a knife and fork because I am from a big family, and you need weapons to protect your food at all times

@sixfootcandy

Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.

Me: (awkward silence)

@sanjanaa

*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*

*crie*