sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
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me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
I’m confused about plants
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times