Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.

You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.

[CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job

if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase

Me: look at this stupid thing lol

Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me

My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first

Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.

Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.

I’ll see myself out.

I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.

Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

A group of toddlers is called a migraine

Just found out my wife is pregnant.

Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers

Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight

Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment

this is the best interaction on twitter

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM