If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
You Might Also Like
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
New menu item
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.