If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
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You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
My hips? Compulsive liars.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
My support group can outdrink your support group.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
genius
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me: