If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
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A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”