If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
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There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
live, laugh, laundry.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad