If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
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“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
i was baptized in a car wash
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
Finally! 😈
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.