Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak

Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks

i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook

If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

genie: you can’t wish for more wishes

me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world

genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan

me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes

alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever

Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.

My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”

elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge

Tv: He is in cardiac arrest

My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart

Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy

FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian

Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids

Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.

They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”

Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu

Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti

my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s

dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm