If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
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[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden